posted 06-12-2003 02:47 PM         

1. Dogs are never permitted in the
> house. The dog stays outside in a
specially built wooden
> compartment named, for very good reason, the dog
house.

2. Okay,
> the
> dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his
own house
> is
> under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a
> permanent
> basis, provided his
dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie
> dog
> owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and
> is
> confined to
a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the
> cage
> becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog
house in the yard
> sale,
> and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6. The dog is
> never
> allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get up on the old
> furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on
> the
> new furniture until it looks like the
old furniture and then we'll sell
> the
> whole damn works and buy new furniture
... upon which the dog will most
>
> definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the
> bed.
> Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the
> bed.

11.
> Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under
> the
covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not
> with
> his head on the
pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside
> you
> under the covers with his head on
the pillow, but if he snores he's got
> to
> leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have
> nightmares
> in bed, but he's
not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room,
> where
> I'm now
sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog
> never
> gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary
resident," even if
> it's
> true.