Today is the worst day of my entire life.

[Chessmind]

I just wanted to thank Auspetian, Kyles101, Vene, Dolly, Russianbluefanatic, Halaroo, Mary_NH, Deb2950, Ia_Cat_Lover, Samsintentions, Lynnhaz, Honeybears, Disneeworld, Obelix, Ilovemaltipoos, Nern, Footsie, Fblack and Fleafly for all of your kind words. It means a lot to me. Thank you all so much.

I wish I could say I was feeling a little better, but I'm not. I can't stop crying and I just miss my Handsome so much. I'm worried I may flood my house with all of my tears. Maybe I should go out to the garage and blow up my little rubber camping boat? I'm trying to make myself laugh, but instead I'm just making myself cry. My eyes are so puffy from crying I think I need one of those seeing eye dogs. I have not worked in the last two days. The last thing anyone wants is a dentist drilling on their teeth with puffy eyes and cotton rolls in their nose. I've been trying to keep busy by being productive. I thought it might be a good idea to do a little gardening today, because everything in the house reminds me of Handsome. There is still his beautiful shiny fur around the house from when I zoom groomed him two days ago. He sure like to be zoomed. I need to vacuum that up, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's like I'm trying to hold onto as much as I can that is left of him here.

Anyway, I went and tried to garden in my yard, but everywhere I looked it reminded me of him. So, I was outside all by myself, remembering how much Handsome loved to help me garden. He would bring me worms he found or lay right inside the hole I just dug to plant something in. Other times he would like to follow the little stream of water from the hose or just smell every flower. Handsome sure loved flowers. He also liked all of his fresh catnip plants. I have a lot of banana trees in my yard and boy did he ever love to climb them. I used to call him Monkey Boy when he did this. He was so proud that he could climb up that far. I would see him looking down at me as if he was saying, "Look how high I can go!" He really was just the best cat in the whole world to me. I love him so much and I miss him terribly. I'm still having a hard time accepting that he's gone. I'll hear a cat meow or some kind of sound and for a split second, I think it's him, but then I remember that he's gone and then the tears start up again.

I have lost friends and family and other fur animals during my life, but I knew that I was going to lose them. It was already known that they were very ill or just old. Handsome's death was so unexpected and the way in which it happened was so traumatic. My house is full of flowers and sympathy cards and now all of these wonderful posts here at Auspet from all of you. Every single post brought tears to my eyes.

Thanks again everyone for being here for me and for all of your kind words. When I feel better I will post again. Right now I just don't feel very well.

[mazyku]

Chessmind - I am so sorry to hear about Handsome. He was a beautiful soul. You helped me get past the rough times with Missy not even a month ago. I am still hurting from it and I am now hurting for you. You offered me some very good advice and now I am going to give it back to you. Remember the good times. Cry, cry, cry. I am still doing it. No one person can tell you how to cope with your loss. Things, places, and other cats WILL remind you of him. My son called me the other day to say a little girl came up to him when he came home from work with a cat in her arms asking him if it was his cat. When he looked at the cat he almost started to cry for in this little girls arms was a cat who looked exactly like our Missy. She acted just like her also and he wanted to know if I wanted her if no one claimed her. I thought I would say yes but I immediately responded with no. I know why because no other cat can replace my Missy. So, my friend, cry, get mad, do what you must but please don't leave this site. You have much knowledge to offer and this site helps you get by those tough days. Many hugs and prayers.

[Alkaline]

oh my god! i hope you get better! im am reaalyy sorry for your loss... i wish i could do something more.. i know how you feel. exactly how you feel... i cant believe he's gone either..... wow... i really, really hope you get better. im so sorry

[Alkaline]

chessmind, don't worry, Handsome is still with you. he will always be with you. what ive heard before, only the physical body dies off. dont cry... just remember he is still with you. and will never ever leave you.

[Alkaline]

sorry, i have to do a little re wording........

handsome isn't gone.. like i said before... he's still with you.

i really hope you feel better soon.

[FMgurl43]

oh chessmind im so sorry 4 what happened to ur handsome i know how much he meant to u... its been 2 years since my jason died and i still cry everyday over him.. reading ur post i cried and cried i feel horrible 4 what happened to him... i know it had to of been hard to see him like that but im sure he was at ease w/ u being there....its hard to bring urself to belive that they r truly gone... i do the saem thing when i hear a cat cry that sound like jason i run to see if its him and then relize that it isnt... and the same goes w/ my teddy that is missing now i hear a meow and go running thinking its her or like today i was calling all the cats to feed them and started yelling the names and teddy bear came outta my mouth and i just kept calling her and then relized what i was saying and started crying my eyes out cause i knew she wasnt comming....i wish i could put into words just how sorry i am 4 ur handsome but i cant...but u r in my prayers and i hope it gets better.....once again im truley sorry!!

[lynnhaz]

well...i just want to say that it is a loss for me to not have chessmind around as much these last two days. when i first came to this site...quite honestly...it was chessmind that stood out the most for me. i kept thinking, "how does he know everyone so well, and how does he know so much? " so, if he treats everyone in this forum like that....then....he must have been one heck of a dad to that kitty cat.

[lynnhaz]

and i just wanted to add...before otis died, he had a grand mal seizure as i held him in my arms...it was really awful. i still have the image. but...after he died, i realized something very important in the universe had happened. for the first time...in the history of the universe...the angels were fighting with each other. why? why were they fighting i asked myself...well, of course, it was over otis. all the angels were fighting over who got to "head knock" with him and hold him in their arms. little handsome...he's probably otis's friend up there in heaven.

[vene]

Chessmind, I know nothing and no other kitty will replace Handsome. In my experience, getting another cat that looked like our dearly departed one really helps. When I lost my first furbaby Pooky at 1 1/2 years old and everone said get another one and I didn't want to. So I said to Pooky in my mind, "come back to momma if you can and keep the same markings so I'll know it's you." It wasn't until I got Milo that I was "totally blown away." As a kitten, Milo had the same face as Pooky - grey and beige down to the same exact pattern. I said to myself that Pooky is back! But Milo's personality was totally different from Pooky's. After a couple of years, the beige pattern on Milo's face totally disappeared. I'd like to think that Pooky was saying hi and reminding me that he never really was gone. Then Vene died at 3 years of age similar to Handsome- too young and too sudden. I never got over her death and still think about her all the time. So when we frequented Steve's Wonderful World of Pets and saw Rene, we saw Vene in her down to a tee, including the same personality. All her siblings were sold within months but no one wanted her even when she was big time discounted. We originally thought that there was something wrong with her. The owner said she was friendly, healthy and showed us her records. We thought wow, she's meant for us. Today Rene still acts like Vene, but doen't look like her anymore. She is her own little person. But everyday she reminded us of Vene and we like to keep it that way so we'll never forget our little Venus.
Chessmind, get another kitty that looked like Handsome. You need to be busy thinking about taking care of someone else as opposed to being deeply grieving. You will ruin your eyes and heart and you only have 1 set of each in this lifetime. Besides, we need you too. I'm getting withdrawl symptoms from not seeing your wonderful sound advice to so many people including myself! My cats haven't puked since getting the Zoom Groom. Rene hasn't drank from the sink since getting the drinkwell fountain. I know there's more but I can't think of it right now. Imagine all the other furbabies that will suffer because you are not around to help them.

[Samsintentions]

I agree. Chess, sometimes its easier to grieve for a lost loved one when others are around. There are many animals out there especially kitties that need a new home. Maybe Handsome is trying to tell you something about your lonlyness....perhaps help a kitty out the way you helped him???

[Ia_Cat_Lover]

Ok...here's my 2 cents worth....... Last July I had to put to sleep my Himalayan "Baby" at the too early age of 11 years. I was devastated. I was also consumed with the idea of getting another Himalayan....(not an easy task when your broke, and live in a tiny town in Iowa). Anyway I found my "Gracie" within a couple of weeks....no papers, not pedigreed, but just what I wanted, and I can't imagine a day without her..... she has brought me sooooo much joy this past year. I say the biggest compliment to a past beloved cat is to want to get a new kitty a.s.a.p.!
You can't help but smile and laugh with a kitten in the household.
Just my opinion on this........
Your in my thoughts Chessmind

[lynnhaz]

chessmind...i really respect what the last three posts, vene, samsintentions, and iacatlover have said. its such a personal decision. i think what i am hearing and what i feel also is that noone wants you to suffer. i did not want to get another cat right away. i wanted to honor otis's memory. the house was empty. i could hear the silence. i, too, could hear his little meow, even thought i saw him. then, i received a letter from my brother in law who had lost his black lab after fourteen years. it was a two page letter. he knew the pain. he told me what the last three posts have said to you. there are many animals out there that need someone to love them. there arent enough people to do that. i have so much love to give an animal. he wanted me to consider getting another kitty right away. not to "replace" otis. nothing would ever do that. but to "add". i went out that day and bought max. it was like my car was on "auto pilot". i still cry for otis. he was my close companion for almost twenty years. i had no other animal than him, and much of that time i lived alone. but....i could not get a kitty that looked like otis. i could not bring myself to consider another orange tabby, even though they are probably top of my list. so...i bought little maxie. and i am his momma, through and through. it's all such a personal decision, but i agree with the last three posts.

[dolly]

Choosing whether or not to adopt another pet is a very personal decision, that's a given. But I'll relate my own story in the hope that it might provide some comfort. When I lost Spooky last September, I literally didn't want to go on living any more, I was so devastated (no disrespect to my remaining cat, Bonnie). But I had so much love to give another kitty, and there are so many looking for homes. Within two weeks, I had adopted Oliver. I admit there were times that I was disappointed that he didn't behave like Spooky, but I learned to accept and love him for himself. A few months later I added Dixie. These two have given me so much love and knowing that I was able to save them from a life in a cage--or worse--has been a comfort. At times I honestly feel Spooky's presence, and it's as if he has told me that he had his time with me and it's ok for some other kitty or kitties to share my life.

[lucidity03]

I haven't been online for almost two weeks. I just came in today to see this post.

I'm so very sorry! It's awful to lose a loved one, especially when you don't see it coming.

You and Handsome are in my thoughts and prayers.

[momma]

i am so sorry too. may you find stregenth and happyness in your memories of him .... and wow for some one to find a cat that looks the same but younger... life works in misterous ways one pass and another is born.

[mybigfunny]

Dear Chessmind,

I haven't been around in a while, (very busy here at work, plus am not really supposed to post stuff), but when I saw your posting I had to read it because it scared me. I was shocked, and immediately started crying, (embarrasing at work), because I know how much you love Handsome. I wanted to let you know that I prayed for you last night, though I'm not even very religous, but I hope it helps.

My kitty told me that Handsome told him you are the best Mommy in the world and that you'll miss each other very much, but that he is fine and wants you to get better and be happy again.

Oh man, I swear my cat just freaked me out with the weirdest meow that I've never heard from him before!! How odd.

I can understand how you may not want to visit the site, I'd feel the same.

Take care, things will get better.

[catwoman]

Chessmind,

I am sooo sorry to hear about Handsome. His name fits him so. As I read what you wrote, tears were pouring down my face. I know far too well how horrible it hurts to lose a pet. Words can't describe the empty hollow feeling it is when they die.

It takes time. I know it's hard now, but try and think about the good times with Handsome, and not the way he went. I will keep you in my prayers. And because you have so much wisdom and love to give cats, I hope some day you will be able to give another feline a good deserving home. There is just something special about cats.

Hang in there

[lil96]

It is such a terrible thing to lose a loved pet, much harder than a person, I think. My beloved dog died a few years bakc and ít was so devastating! But I never got to say goodbye to her. So I am glad you got to go and get handsome and spend those last few minutes. And if you believe in kitty after life he will remember your face and being with you and all your great memories together.

[Joan]

Dear Chessmind,
I am so sorry. I just lost my cat to cancer in February-he was my baby. I know what you are feeling. Please take care.

Joan

[KarleySimon]

I am so sorry Chessmind....I wish I knew what to say to you..I am so sorry for your loss.

Tami